Due to social norms, we tend to accept wedding invitations and take them in our stride. Even if they are friends that have not spoken to you in years (I am not sure if we can still call them friends) or an acquaintance that you barely know. We might feel guilty for rejecting the invitation outright or even giving a fake excuse for not being able to attend.
What if I tell you that you can just say no with no consequences?
Common Yet Ridiculous Wedding Social Norms In Singapore
Photo by Thomas William on Unsplash
I am looking in from the outside and writing as someone who will probably never get married. I understand that a dream wedding might be important to some people but these wedding practices sound ridiculous to me as they are impractical and based on mostly nothing.
- Taking wedding photos that you will never look at again
- Using dowry to “buy” the wife
- Expensive diamond rings that costs X months salary
- Renting a luxury car as the bridal car
- Gatecrashing angpows to pay off sisters
- Holding the banquet at a hotel
- Expensive decorations that last only a day
- Buying instead of renting a wedding gown
- Multiple outfits during the banquet
- Getting the groom drunk
- Attendees giving red packets to cover the cost of the wedding
- Inviting everyone you know to “make money”
- Inviting those that invited you previously to “recoup” the ang pow
- Allocating tables to parents to invite their friends who you have never met
I am not saying every wedding is like that, I am just listing out some of the ridiculous practices that occur during weddings.
They are just being practised to conform to society’s norms. The couples might feel that they are being judged if they do not “do the basics” for their wedding. If there are no other weddings to take reference from, would you still do all of the above? Or is it something you feel you have to do just because everyone else is doing it?
Irrational Wedding Budgets
Social norms and clever marketing, not the financial capabilities of the couple, have led to the increased wedding budget.
If guests are not expected to give red packets to “cover” wedding costs, how many couples would still hold such lavish weddings that cost tens of thousands in the first place? It becomes the default to hold expensive weddings when receiving red packets is included in the wedding budget calculations. Guests will also need to look at the breakeven point of the wedding location to help the guest to break even. If the couple expects to receive a “rebate” (upwards of 50%) in the form of red packets, they will be inclined to hold a relatively more expensive wedding as their wedding will only cost a fraction out of pocket.
The benchmark of buying a diamond ring that costs X months’ salary is actually a marketing campaign by De Beers, the world’s leading diamond company. It started with one month’s salary in the 1930s, then increased to 2 months in the 1980s to the minimum of 3 months today.
I feel that a couple’s financial future is more important than the short-term gratification of having a “standard dream wedding” dictated by the industry, and not the couple.
The wedding industry is the one coming out on top at the detriment of the couple’s financials after every couple spends tens of thousands on their wedding.
Saying My First Straight No To A Wedding Invitation
I got a message from my classmate this year asking me to save the date. We last spoke 4 years ago and the first thing he said to me was to invite me to his wedding. I did not ask what my friends will be doing or come up with some fake reason why I couldn’t make it. After thinking about it for a while, I just congratulated him and said that I will pass. The end.
It is liberating to say no to a wedding invitation that we don’t like to attend. For your first rejection, questions that might go through your mind could include
- What would the couple or your potential same-table-people say about your rejection?
- Are my friends going?
- What fake-reason-that-sounds-real-but-actually-still-sounds-fake should I come up with to reject the invitation?
I think it is better to give a straight no than give a bad lie that makes you look fake, they probably know that you are lying anyways. Invitations are usually sent way in advance so most reasons won’t work.
It Is Not As Hard As You Think
Saying no the first time is not as hard and has less of an impact than you think. In most cases, the couple will just strike you off the list and move on to their next potential guest. They have a mammoth task of planning their wedding and they don’t really have time to think about your rejection. They will barely have enough time to speak to you during the banquet. If they are petty about it, it just shows that you made the right decision in not going.
After saying no for the first time, you will realize that it is perfectly fine to reject a wedding invitation that you would not want to attend and you will be able to do it easily for the next invitation that comes your way.
When Should You Say No?
I am not there just to fill up your tables and subsidize the cost of your/your significant other’s dream wedding. We should not feel obligated to attend every wedding we are invited to. We have the right to say no to those weddings that we would not like to attend, whatever the reason.
However, the decision is very personal and it will also depend on a case-by-case basis. If you have a legitimate reason like travel or work that you can’t make it, you can just easily say you can’t make it. However, if you are not sure if you should attend the wedding or just sleep or watch tv at home instead, here is a checklist of questions to ask yourself.
When Did You All Last Speak Or Meet?
Are you guys on speaking terms? When did you guys last speak or meet? Is the reason for contact after a long time just to invite you to their wedding?
How Close Are You All?
What is your relationship with the invitee? Are you family, best friends, normal friends, colleagues or just acquaintances? Will you invite the individual or couple to your wedding? Do you all have a history with each other from going through stuff together? Do you have business or work relations with the individual/couple? Will it affect your relationship if you reject the invitation?
Despite not speaking to each other for ages, you might still be close due to your past history.
Are There Consequences To Saying No?
Will you make it difficult for your family members if you don’t attend? Will it affect your work or business relations should you reject the invitation?
Is There Anyone Attending That You Don’t Want To Meet?
You might have a sworn enemy or someone who caused you trauma in the past that you don’t want to meet. If there is anyone that you do not want to deal with that is attending, it is a good enough reason to turn down the invitation.
What Is Your Budget?
My view is that you should only give an ang pow you can afford and not feel obligated to let the couple break even based on published break-even lists. Despite this, if the breakeven point is way over your budget, you might want to consider saying no. For example, if the wedding costs S$200 to break even if your budget is S$80, you might want to reject the invitation.
However, there are also nuances. The couple might not care about the break-even point and just want to have their dream wedding on their own dime. You attending their wedding to share their happiness could also be more important to them than money.
Or you might be fresh out of school or even still schooling when your classmate invites you to a wedding. It is understandable to give an ang pow that is quite a bit under the breakeven due to your circumstance.
There is no formula to calculate what is the acceptable ang pow amount. It all depends. The further the distance from the breakeven point, the higher the risk of unhappiness between you and the couple.
Is It A Destination Wedding?
Is the wedding held overseas? Is the travel or accommodation paid for or do you have to pay for it? Do you have to clear annual leave to attend this wedding overseas?
Do You Just Don’t Feel Like Going?
You might not feel physically/mentally well, don’t like crowds or you just don’t feel like going. Any reason is legitimate and you should not need to answer to anyone should you really not feel like attending in most cases.
How To Say No?
Whether you would like to accept or reject the invitation, you should RSVP early rather than late to allow the couple to plan their tables accordingly. First, planning a wedding can be stressful so you can make it easier for them to RSVP early. Also, they will not focus on your rejection due to the recency bias where our mind places more emphasis on recent events or information.
Using the same behavioural bias, we should place our rejection in the front or middle of the message instead of the end to soften the blow of rejection.
Saying No With Reason
There are plenty of articles with templates for saying no with a reason. They generally follow a formula and include the following.
- Congratulations
- Thanking for the invite
- Reason for not attending
- Express regret for not being to attend
You can just follow the formula and generate your rejection.
Saying No Without Reason
We can follow the same formula as above but with some tweaks.
- Congratulations
- Statement for not attending
- Soften the blow of telling them to enjoy themselves and or/thanking for the invite
Examples of the statements for not attending include
- I think I will skip it
- I don’t think I will be attending
- I won’t be able to make attend
An example of saying no will go something like this.
Congratulations on getting married. But I don’t think I will be going. Thanks for the invite anyway. Have a great one!
Weddings Are Different From Gatherings
However, do take note that weddings are somewhat different from gatherings of friends and colleagues. During gatherings, we usually go dutch.
However, for weddings, we will have to “pay” to attend. Weddings are also usually one-offs. If we don’t attend the wedding, it is more forgiving.
Attending gatherings is part of a social contract for some people. So if they are important to you, you should not reject too many of them or else they will exclude you from their plans in the future. No one wants to keep inviting a friend that keeps rejecting them.
Of course, if the gatherings are always in places that involve vices like drinking and smoking or are out of your budget, you might want to communicate this with your friends or colleagues. You might want to start looking for new friends or a new job if you are unable to fit in, which is not a bad thing. Sometimes it might be better to cut your losses and look for people who better reflect your lifestyle and values.
TL, DR
Saying no to wedding invitations is liberating and it will get easier once you have done it the first time. There can be a million and one reasons to say no to a wedding invitation, especially to one that you don’t want to attend. You do not need to feel obligated to say yes to every wedding invitation. If you are unsure whether you should attend a wedding, there are some questions you can ask yourself. Should you decide not to attend, there is a also general formula on how to say no to wedding invitations.
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